Most things I write are spontaneous; often things that are happening real time, funny things, sometimes deeply insightful things (well, as deep as I get) but generally bites of everyday life. Today this thread is the middle of a story; it began long ago, maybe the day I was born, it continues today and will until the day I’m planted in home soil in Texas whenever that might be. (and as a side note I was driving along yesterday and thought “this is where I live, it’s not home, it’s nice, but not home, guess that’s going to require some additional thought)

The subject today is “retirement” – one of those mythical goals we strive to achieve, or are told we should work toward. But, so far it looks to me kind of like winning another fondue pot to go with the matching threesome you already have stashed away in the attic, like; what the heck do you do with it once you actually win it?

I suppose once you figure it out it may be ok, but I’ve been working on it for a time now, unofficially (that means I wasn’t getting paid for whatever I was doing) and then officially as I declared myself “retired” on my visa form when I moved to Mexico. It’s another title or descriptor our society insists you wear on your lapel so people can identify with you, niche you for some sales promotion, pity you or get away from you as fast as possible. So, among salesman, husband, father, engineer, mechanic, craftsman etc. I can now add “retired” – which so far seems to be another way of basically saying “no obvious practical purpose”.

I’m sure there are books I should have read, or classes I should have attended, but it all happened sort of suddenly, one day I was turning 50 and my career was going great and the next thing I knew I was 65, alone and out to pasture – how the heck did that happen? I mean I wasn’t ready, I hadn’t studied up on any of this, no one told me how to do this thing called “retirement”. But then again I lived my life that way, learning things on my own, rarely planning ahead, never going to school or classes etc. so why should this be any different - right?

I remember learning to snow ski, I went to a store rented some stuff, went to Steamboat Springs, CO to try it out. We went to the ski area, I observed a bit to get the hang of the protocol, strapped the boards on my feet and headed for the ski lift as gracefully as you can with two 6’ long impediments strapped onto your feet.

I managed to get on the chair lift with another person and as we were going up they asked how long I had been skiing, I said this was numbero uno – they almost jumped off the lift, couldn’t get away from me fast enough, but I figured it out and did ok, much like water skiing, if you’re not falling you’re not learning – I was definitely learning.

As kids and young men we’re taught to grow up having a purpose, a mission if you will, get an education, be a doctor, lawyer etc., get married, have a family, be a provider be responsible, put your shoulder to that great wheel we call life and “make a difference” etc. and so I did all those things and even some of them reasonably well. But then ever so subtly things changed; not so I noticed at first, but they were changing for an infinite number of reasons including (or maybe especially) I was getting older, but I hadn’t noticed that either – yet.

One of my first red flags came at Christmas time back around 2002. All the years before at the holiday time of year Chris and I would go to our respective office parties and she would introduce me as “manager, sales manager, regional manager of this or that etc” depending on what I was doing. That year I wasn’t working and quite frankly was burned out, so she introduced me to someone as “this is my husband Steve” - - - I was waiting for the rest of the story that had always been there, but this time that was the end of the story? - at that moment I didn’t think much of it. Later she had gone with friends somewhere and I drove home alone and I can remember (like you’d remember the instant you were struck by lightening) driving along and pulling up to a stop light and it suddenly all crashed in on me, I was essentially a “trophy husband” (well, sort of).

Oh, I did go back to work, but it was never quite the same because I had seen the dark side, I thought I had seen “retirement” although it never occurred to me that it wasn’t going to be anything like that.

A couple of years later I lost Chris and that totally changed everything because there was no more reason to achieve, to work hard for all the reasons I’d worked all those years, to “retire” with her and “live the dream” – another “purpose” was gone.

As I began to think about the rest of my life I decided to sell the house which was a big part of my persona, I’d built it for, with, and because of; Chris and we were very proud of it, but now it was time to move on. So on Sept 21, 2007 that purpose was no longer part of my identity.

Max and I “retired” to Mexico to do whatever it is you’re supposed to do. At that point pretty much all the “purposes” that had driven my life were gone – wow, I finally achieved that mythical goal, I was “retired” – ok, as I stood there looking around at what “retirement” actually looked like, the burning question vaguely occurred to me what’s next? - because nothing was jumping out at me saying "do me, do me, you've waited all these years, now do me".

All the stuff you hear people say about now having the time to do the things they never did may work for some folks, but I never thought much as about it, as I said, it all (my life) happened so fast.

This is where I’ve been stuck for a few days trying to figure out what to say next when actually there’s probably nothing to say that’s witty or intelligent, encouraging, prophetic – only this puzzle I started with that’s missing some pieces so I can’t complete the picture. I mean, I’m busy most of the time fixing, cleaning etc. like today I skimmed the money pit out back, did laundry, washed the main water filter (uuuugly) – but somehow I don’t think I worked a lifetime so I could finally do these things - or maybe like the old Patty Lee song “is that all there is?” - - - (to retirement?)

I need to make a GDL run tomorrow which is Cinco de Mayo which may or may not be a good idea, but that’s usually good for a new adventure and tomorrow’s just another fiesta day here in Paradise.